Wednesday - December 31, 2008 – 5 h 13 am

Wednesdays - She used to publish more posts on Wednesdays and her writings was always more meaningful on that day of the week. I always wonder how she did it, how could she be more inspired on a Wednesday rather than any other day of the week but I never got the answer.

Today, it’s Wednesday and even though my insomnia is back because thoughts are constantly running in my head, I’m not quite sure what to write or how to write it. I know the topic - the end of a friendship – but I can’t put in into words. Putting it into words makes it more real and to be honest, I was hoping for a miracle or some leftover holiday spirit to fix it. But there has been no sign on her part, not even the slightness effort to try to make things okay.

It saddens me to see that after all these years, I’m not even worth a little something. It is still too much for her to pick up the phone, dial my number, let me explain what I meant and simply apologize for being harsh. No, she yelled, she interpreted, she brought back everything she could think of in order to hurt me and she wouldn’t even let me talk. And even after she hung up on me, I still tried to make her listen and to talk to her, because after all, I thought she had said all those nasty things out of anger – which doesn’t make it okay. But despite all my efforts - me apologizing for whatever I did wrong - , it wasn’t enough.

I realize now that this is hopeless but it isn’t because of me. I tried to make things right and I failed. I played my part, I can’t play hers. I did what I had to, but what did she do besides treating me like trash? Absolutely nothing. And somehow, it is still me that has to do the next step. My only mistake – which I will never believe is a mistake - was to express how I felt about it all and to write my feelings on my blog. I’m witnessing the end of a friendship because of some meaningless words written on the Internet. This says a lot about our so-called friendship.

So even with my best intentions and a thousand apologies, it will never be enough. I wasn’t enough. As much as it hurts me to say this, she didn’t care all that much because if she did care, even a little, she would have picked up the phone by now. But she didn’t… and I’m still waiting for the phone to ring, but I doubt more and more that it will.